Anxiety is like having a roommate that you despise. You don’t know how you two became acquainted, you don’t know why you decided to share a studio apartment, but you do know that you’re trapped. The con of anxiety is that there isn’t a lease you can break to get out of it (oh, but what a joy it would be to be able to pay $600.00 to be free of anxiety), you’re stuck with it until you can find a way to manage it or until you find the right medication that doesn’t have shitty side effects.
And lets be real, the side effects to any medication are fucking SCARY. I mean, haven’t you read the side effects to societies’ lord and savior, the Z Pack? I did and I threw that shit in the trash immediately – thanks, but no thanks, I would rather cough up my lungs for the next 30 days, but the wacky thing about anxiety and having OCD is that those two disorders MADE me throw that medication away. I didn’t have a say in the matter.
“Courtney, throw it away because all of those potential side effects will happen to you. *anxiety SPIKE* You will be the small percentage it happens to.” Just like that, I can give in to anxiety and my OCD. They know my fears and they know my weaknesses and they gain so much power from that.
They know what brings joy to my life and they know what makes me thrive, but at the drop of the hat, they can try to take those joys away from me and make me second guess every decision I’ve ever made in my life and I will dwell on it for days, weeks and sometimes months.
I dream of what it would be like to not have a mental disorder. What do my friends think about all day? Normal things that aren’t accompanied by anxiety, that’s for sure.
My friends are lucky, but I am lucky in different ways.
Courtney's Retreat 